GOON! #2 Sings Like A Canary About GOONS!' "Crime Spree," "Junkie for Your Love" & "Christmas Crime" Singles (The Witzard Interview)
When you are looking for trouble, who do you call? GOONS! Who's waiting in a dark alley looking for a fight? GOONS! Who's going to start a riot on the dance floor? GOONS! Guilty of Rock "N" Roll in the first degree? GOONS! At Christmas time, GOONS! hit the street, breaking toys, stealing treats. The fat man in the red and white, ain't gonna see another night this year. Following the recent release of both GOONS!' debut single, "Crime Spree (GOONS! Theme)" B/W "Junkie for Your Love," as well as their festive offering, "Christmas Crime," we reached out to our contact, Vincent Minervino, at Hi-Tide Recordings. Minervino got us in touch with one of the masked musicians behind GOONS! known only as GOON! #2. We sent a batch of questions to Minervino, who, then, got them over to our mystery man GOON! #2. His answers have been lightly edited for general clarity and can be viewed below. Both GOONS!' "Crime Spree (GOONS! Theme)" B/W "Junkie for Your Love" & "Christmas Crime" are now available on streaming services, via Hi-Tide Recordings. Happy holidays and Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!
I. Are you at liberty to discuss the true identities of GOONS! #1-5.1?
GOON! #2: I can already tell that your line of questioning is going too far and I'd like to remind you that if—IF—I were to reveal the identity of GOONS!, I would need to sequester you and all of your readers to The GOONS!' Hideout for quite some time. We don't have that kind of room. I am at liberty to say that GOONS! [is] a true super-group; master villains and near-par instrumentalists whose mission is to bring Rock "N" Roll to those in need. That is our only TRUE identity!
II. When and how did GOONS! initially come to fruition?
GOON! #2: During a delicious meal of clam strips and something called "corn dog nuggets" at an A&W drive-in, The GOONS! derived their MASTER PLAN. First, we designed snazzy outfits. The outfits were vital because no one would be willing to hear true Crime Rock played by a bunch of guys looking like Maynard G. Krebs. Then, we worked on several secret handshakes. Unfortunately, we had to re-work these later because we could not re-create the complex movements without the lubrication of A&W fryer grease. Finally, we decided to examine our musical goals, which involved writing songs with three chords. This level of musical complexity was a significant achievement for us.
III. How did GOONS! align with Hi-Tide Recordings to release your debut single, "Crime Spree" B/W "Junkie for Your Love?"
GOON! #2: Hi-Tide Recordings was the only label we deemed worthy of the true Crime Rock message that is GOONS! Yes, they may have artists that prioritize surfing and a tiki lifestyle above a life of crime, but that's OK. GOONS! respect the lifestyle choices of others.
IV. Why exactly is "Crime Spree" considered "GOONS! Theme?"
GOON! #2: We originally wrote the lyrics for series of self-help audiobooks. The chanting mantra of "G-O-O-N-S" during meditation sessions, eventually, inspired the song known and loved world-wide. "Crime Spree" is the vibration with which all GOONS! align themselves. It is the spirit that bonds GOONS! with the universe. And we mention the band in the lyrics at least a dozen times.
V. Where did you draw inspiration and influence from while recording both "Crime Spree (GOONS! Theme)" & "Junkie for Your Love?"
GOON! #2: I wrote "Junkie [for Your Love]" with hopes of a deal with General Mills for a GOONS! breakfast cereal. "I want it, I need it, I gotta, gotta have it. I want GOONS! Sugar Puffs" was a great pitch and a missed opportunity for them, if you ask me. Alas, we re-worked the lyrics to a less commercial subject: love. Some have compared the music of "Crime Spree" to the works of Philip Glass & John Cage, but to be honest, their compositions lack the depth of GOONS! and I don't think it's fair. I guess, the humble thing would be to say that the song is incomparable; a wholly unique and original work that is both underived and without influence. That's what I say, at least.
VI. How have GOONS! recent string of shows been received by those in attendance? Do you have any more upcoming shows worth mentioning here?
GOON! #2: If you have attended a GOONS! show recently, I can guarantee that you know one thing: how to spell GOONS! "G-O-O-O-N-S!" Our moshpit safety seminars have been highly successful, as well. Unfortunately, laying out our plan for world domination is not something I can reveal at this time. However, "The GOONS! are coming to your town. We're gonna burn the jailhouse down!" That I can guarantee!
VII. Who designed the accompanying artwork for the "Crime Spree" B/W "Junkie for Your Love" single cover?
GOON! #2: The artwork was designed by the great Scott Sugiuchi, commissioned by the fine folks at Hi-Tide Recordings. Our likeness has never been captured with such accuracy before. You can nearly see our true identity, even with the masks on!
VIII. What does the typical required GOONS! membership attire consist of?
GOON! #2: First of all, quality socks. No one in GOONS! thinks that they can get away with a simple cotton sock these days. It's the blends of Merino wool, synthetic fabrics, and eco-friendly dyes that keep our feet cozy and ready to commit crimes when inspiration strikes. Ill-fitting bowler caps are a must, as well... or, perhaps, no one in the band has a regularly-shaped head.
IX. What did the writing, recording, creation, etc. processes behind "Crime Spree" & "Junkie for Your Love" generally entail during these wild COVID times?
GOON! #2: The GOONS! were able to record throughout The Pandemic by harnessing the power of The Internet while using The GOONS!' Hideout as a central hub. Yes, things moved slowly, but we had nothing but time and crime on our hands.
X. What's planned next for GOONS!?
GOON! #2: If your readers take away anything from this interview, it's that our GOONS! way of life is threatened. There is an enemy that cannot be trusted and we must do everything we can to stop it. That enemy is masked intruder. Only the power of The GOONS! ARMY can stop them! Anyway... we might be all about crime, but we are suckers for the holiday spirit, as well. Look out for a GOONS! Christmas single
XI. What would you cite as your primary sources of inspiration when creating and fine-tuning "Christmas Crime?"
GOON! #2: The inspiration for "Christmas Crime" was drawn from our favorite Christmas character, [Die Hard super-villain] Hans Gruber. When Hans counts to three, there will not be a four!
XII. What are some of your personal favorite festive musical offerings (otherwise known as "Christmas/holiday songs")?
GOON! #2: Our favorite holiday songs include "How The Gurch Stole Christmas" by The Black Flamingos, "Lucky for Christmas" by Johnny Rabb, and "Welcome to The Jingle," by the infamous Ritz F***ing Carlton. Thanks!